Lost

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You ever feel lost?

I felt lost this whole semester.

Felt like my head was on backward.

Missing classes because of my anxiety.

An anxiety that I let get out of hand.

I failed exams and quizzes because of my anxiety.

My mind just blanks.

My heart beats so fast every day that I wonder how it still hasn’t exploded.

When I speak in class it’s if like word vomit comes out and I don’t make sense.

Or maybe it was just me over analyzing.

Wouldn’t be surprised.

I am an over analyzer.

This semester I felt lost.

Feel like I am going to fail.

Feel like my head wasn’t on right.

For a perfectionist, that is the end of the world.

But I don’t want to feel lost anymore.

It’s time I change my routine.

It is time I change my mindset.

If I didn’t do well this semester, God knows I’ll do well the next.

If my head is on backward, I will face it forward again.

If my heart beats fast, I will teach it to beat normal.

I am done feeling lost.

Lost simply is just not an option anymore.

She looks up to me

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When I was 9 my little sister was born. I vowed from the first day she came home that I would protect her from the world.

I already at the age of 9 knew the evils in this world and I wanted to make sure she never experienced anything bad.

I carried her and felt my world feel complete for a second. This new baby in my arms was going to be my new best friend.

I protected her as if she were my own. I made sure she was content. I would tell my mom to take good care of her while I was at school.

As my sister got older, she was still the best thing to happen to me. I would watch movies with her, I would teach her words and be her guide in many aspects of life.

Being almost a decade older than her meant I had almost 10 more years of experience in this world.

But then came my teenage years. I was no longer that sister I wanted her to see. I changed. I was not the best version of myself.

I made a lot of mistakes. I scared the living hell out of my family multiple times. I could’ve lost my life at times. I could’ve been the sister she never would see again.

I thought I failed her.

Recently she told me something I’ll never forget. Now at 13 years old, she’s taller than me. She is intelligent, girly, a role model at her school. I fear she’ll end up like me once I entered high school. Don’t want her to lose her best qualities in a world of hormones and depression.

Recently she told me, “I hope to be just like you.” I was shocked. Why would anyone want to be like me? I made so many mistakes. I am not the best at dealing with life’s hurdles. She said, “All my siblings are in college. You are smart. My sisters are doing great things. I love telling my friends that you guys are in college.”

She made me realize, she loves her sister no matter what. I realized, Yes I might’ve been a bad influence at one point but look at me now. In college, and working hard. I realized, a child doesn’t see the flaws behind a face that they love. A child will always find that silver lining in you.

So, yes the past will mark you but it will never ever determine your future.

To my sister, if you ever read this blog. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me I can do this and I have two pairs of eyes learning from me. I won’t let you down.

Add my Twitter guys I am new to it.

@dianaloves333

And add my Instagram

@simplyunamariposa_

Poetry saved me

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Poetry is a beautiful thing.

It’s a creation of expression.

A creation where my lips may not be moving but my fingers are writing something magical.

Magical for me at least.

I am letting go of things that verbally, I didn’t even know exist.

Poetry saved me a couple times from letting go of my dreams, my future and let alone myself.

Poetry saved me when I was dealing with trauma only the world knew behind closed doors.

A poem can rhyme, can be disorganized, can be shaped and twisted around through syllables, sentences, words.

I paint pictures with written words.

I tell stories only my brain can unfold.

Poetry saved me.

Poetry is music.

Music that fills my ears with jazz and romantic words.

It’s my reminder that I do believe in true love.

I write about love and realize that word means something to me.

No matter how much I try to pretend it’s just a word.

Power hides inside my fingertips.

These written words one day maybe my legacy.

Poetry saved me.

Poetry held me.

Poetry will be the legacy I will leave behind one day to the children I still don’t know.

It is the gold I hide in my treasure chest.

Poetry is more than just words written in cursive and ink.

I have a relationship with it that not many will truly ever know.

Poetry,

Poetry,

Poetry…

My first love.

Glasses aren’t so bad

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Hello guys!

Today was a good day. I bought some new glasses. Funny story, I originally went to get a contacts exam done on me. I chickened out.

1) I wasn’t going to get contacts because I wanted them, it was because I thought people would like me better without glasses. Yes, it’s an insecurity of mine. 2) I chickened out because I thought about having to touch my eyes and I got scared.

There’s a reason why I’m scared of touching my eyes. When I was little I was cutting paper with adult scissors and my little brother jumped next to me on the couch and I scratched my eyeball. It was horrible, I couldn’t look up for a week or two, had to use eye drops for a while and the sun hurt my eye bad.

That’s one reason why now I am super cautious with my eyes. The thought of putting something in my eyes or touching my eyeball freaked me out. Last minute I changed my mind and said I’ll just purchase new glasses instead. Ones that will make me feel confident.

I found the best pair. I felt pretty and I said to myself, “why wouldn’t people like me just cause of glasses.” I combated the negative thought of “Glasses make me ugly,” with a positive one and said, “I need them to see! Who cares what anyone thinks. I am beautiful.”

Sometimes we have to be a little conceited about ourselves. It’s necessary to see the beauty in us. We may not like one aspect of ourselves but there are thousands of other things we can look at and say, ”Wow, I love this about myself.”

As I am writing this under a hairdryer while getting my hair done, I am thinking, how blessed I am that I can afford glasses. How blessed I am that I can see with glasses.

Got to change the negative thinking into positive thinking. Remember that my butterflies. I know it’s hard to do, trust me I’ve gotten stuck in a cycle of negativity. When you do succeed in destroying those thoughts, the world becomes a brighter place and a new story.

Sincerely una mariposa.

Bridges

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Sometimes in life, we have to cross bridges, build bridges and destroy a couple bridges. It’s painful to destroy a couple of them because we can’t no longer reach that thing that hurts us but gives us so much comfort at the same time.

Burning bridges takes a lot of strength, a lot of heartaches. It’s a process that feels like it’s breaking us with it. But this is necessary.

Once you destroy that bridge, you can build a new one. A bigger, brighter one. Create a scenery of flowers and flowing water around it. Let it lead you to a brighter and bigger future.

Some bridges fall, but only the ones we really need stay put. Just look around. Do you like what you see around that bridge you are walking on?

😊🦋