I Can, I am, I Will

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I have had several years of wondering will I make it? Will I graduate? Will I get out of this toxic relationship? Will I find myself and love myself? Endless questions that sooner or later I answer. The answer is almost always, “yes.”

Now I know that when I ask myself will I, I know deep inside the “will I” becomes I do, I am or I can. It’s faith. Faith because I’ve learned everything eventually falls into place. My favorite thing about who I am now in life is that I don’t question my abilities.

I used to say, “I am not capable.” I’ve heard people tell me, “You are not capable.” I’ve heard people tell me, “You can’t do that.” I constantly prove people wrong, not for them but for me. The worst person to say, “You can’t do this,” is not them, it’s you.

What we tell ourselves is way more toxic than what others tell us sometimes. Have you ever looked in the mirror and said, “I am ugly,” “I am not worthy.” It can kill the way you feel each time you see your reflection.

Turn will I, into I will, I do, I am. Keep the faith that things will fall into place. Years later, my life feels like its falling into place. Years later I know I am unbreakable.

Love yourself, believe in yourself.

Simply look in the mirror and say, “I can.”

(Thank you guys for reading this post. I am currently collecting answers for my survey, its for one of my college courses. If you can please fill it out and submit)

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfm7EM-gATEj-VXTiJc0VeHfiSSBMjYMubkEGCdY1Sx56jxRQ/viewform?usp=sf_link

Thank you!

Butterfly Stay

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I see you asking the world where to go.

Should you float away left, right?

Should you hide under a rock and forever hide.

I hold your hand and you shy away.

I lay my head on yours and you don’t know what to do.

Like a butterfly, you shy away.

You sense me coming and fly away.

Have you been hurt so many times that the world is no longer livable?

Have you forgotten that touch, love, and sympathy are applicable?

I see you.

All lost and stuck in your head.

Can you embrace your colors?

Fly like a butterfly onto my hands and see that there’s no need to fly away.

The world won’t hurt you,

Especially if I’m the one holding your hand…

Chasing Love Away

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Photo from Pexels

Valentine’s Day. It is on February 14. The day of flowers, chocolates, teddy bears and love.

I chase people away.

I never open up because life is too short to get hurt and people hurt me all the time anyway.

Although I was cold and bitter in many ways, I still craved to be held and called “my love.”

I remember reading my tarot cards, yes I’m into that stuff.

My cards kept telling me that I was going to find love but I just couldn’t tell when.

They assured me, I was going to one day find love.

I remember walking with my friend, a quiet girl but very intelligent and she told me, “Love is within you.”

I said, “How can it be within me if I don’t even love myself.”

Her face turned sour and she said, “Don’t say that, you hear me. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t give love to anyone else.”

At the time I brushed it off but she was wise.

Wiser than any other 22 years old.

That night I tried hard to realize why I just couldn’t love myself.

I have 100 reasons why not to love myself.

Too short.

Too nerdy.

Too ugly.

Too this and that.

I fell asleep that night and had a dream like no other.

I dreamed I was loved.

Loved by someone, I just couldn’t see their face.

All I remember is they danced with me and kept telling me, “You are beautiful. You are capable. You are wise.”

My dream was strange but it made me feel like I had a chance.

Valentine’s Day was approaching and this girl who was wise told me, “You are never lonely if you love yourself.”

Again, I was struck with pure questioning.

What does it mean to love oneself?

So she sat me down and told me, “Loving yourself is all about acceptance. Accepting the flaws, accepting that you are human and special in every way.”

I never felt love until I came home that night and looked at a picture of myself when I was 10.

Oh, how I loved my dolls.

My innocence.

My long black hair and holding people’s hands.

If I could love that child I once was, I can love the adult version.

A version that might’ve lost that innocence.

But never lost that love.

Just needed a good friend and a picture to remind me that February 14 is just another day.

My tarot cards are right.

I will find love. Everyone does.

Just needed to find the love in me first so one day I can stop being the girl who chases everyone away.

Journey

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Photo provided by Pexels

An interesting journey I have been on this year was just finding myself on a deeper level. I had to find out what I really wanted in life, beyond the typical goals. I needed to find what brought sparks into my bloodstream and bones.

Sure, I want to graduate college, I want to find love, I want to move out, those are regular goals. Have you ever achieved a spiritual goal? Those are the best.

Spiritually, and mentally, I wanted to heal within. I wanted to find peace, connect with the world within me, not outside of me.

My mind has been a place I’d throw the worst of the worst in. Didn’t know that with a couple minutes of closing my eyes and saying what makes me grateful could change my whole day.

I realized all this sorrow, all the pain, all the endless turmoil I myself create, was not what life wants to teach me.

Life wants to teach me to simply live. If I keep living in the past, I am not living. If I keep dwelling on my anger, I am not living.

Life is here and now. Life is this moment as I write this. Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally I am growing and healing. It’s a journey I haven’t finished yet, but it’s a goal.

It is a goal I’ve never felt more content pursuing.

Itsy Bitsy Flower

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nature red flowers yellow

Photo by Suneo1999 on Pexels.com

When I was a little girl, my world consisted of purple and flowers. Purple was my favorite color, still is. Flowers were engraved in my brain as little human beings. My mother loves flowers. Our apartment has several plants in it. Daisy’s, roses, and strange plants I’ve never seen appear in my apartment every day.

I saw them as people because my mother would sing to them and talk to them. She said plants need love, light, and water to grow. I ended up singing to them as well when my mother wasn’t looking. I viewed them as little versions of me. I knew that I needed lots of love to grow as well. It was evident to me that my mother engraved this philosophy that in life you thrive from love. As you get older, you forget how powerful this abstract word is. I know sometimes I definitely forget the power of love.

I forget that I need love to keep growing into the flower I am. I can say some pretty rude things to myself. I look in the mirror and talk to myself but not the way my mother did with the plants. I honestly tear myself down. I over think. I water myself with music and words that only bury me deeper in dislike and hate.

Till this day my mother waters and sings to her flowers. The other day she said to one of the plants, “You are so pretty. I am proud of you. Look how beautiful those petals look.” Minutes before that I happened to have been beating myself up with words because of my own disappointments and bitterness.

She made me think, when did I stop being that girl who sang to the flowers. The same girl who sang beautiful words to herself. It’s a shame that as I got older, I forgot a flower like me needs love. Self-love to be exact.

My mother reminds me every day that the words we put into living things have the power to help it deteriorate or grow.

“Treat yourself like a flower.”

I might be a hurt itsy bitsy flower, but with some self-love, my petals will always regrow…