She looks up to me

When I was 9 my little sister was born. I vowed from the first day she came home that I would protect her from the world.

I already at the age of 9 knew the evils in this world and I wanted to make sure she never experienced anything bad.

I carried her and felt my world feel complete for a second. This new baby in my arms was going to be my new best friend.

I protected her as if she were my own. I made sure she was content. I would tell my mom to take good care of her while I was at school.

As my sister got older, she was still the best thing to happen to me. I would watch movies with her, I would teach her words and be her guide in many aspects of life.

Being almost a decade older than her meant I had almost 10 more years of experience in this world.

But then came my teenage years. I was no longer that sister I wanted her to see. I changed. I was not the best version of myself.

I made a lot of mistakes. I scared the living hell out of my family multiple times. I could’ve lost my life at times. I could’ve been the sister she never would see again.

I thought I failed her.

Recently she told me something I’ll never forget. Now at 13 years old, she’s taller than me. She is intelligent, girly, a role model at her school. I fear she’ll end up like me once I entered high school. Don’t want her to lose her best qualities in a world of hormones and depression.

Recently she told me, “I hope to be just like you.” I was shocked. Why would anyone want to be like me? I made so many mistakes. I am not the best at dealing with life’s hurdles. She said, “All my siblings are in college. You are smart. My sisters are doing great things. I love telling my friends that you guys are in college.”

She made me realize, she loves her sister no matter what. I realized, Yes I might’ve been a bad influence at one point but look at me now. In college, and working hard. I realized, a child doesn’t see the flaws behind a face that they love. A child will always find that silver lining in you.

So, yes the past will mark you but it will never ever determine your future.

To my sister, if you ever read this blog. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me I can do this and I have two pairs of eyes learning from me. I won’t let you down.

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Glasses aren’t so bad

Hello guys!

Today was a good day. I bought some new glasses. Funny story, I originally went to get a contacts exam done on me. I chickened out.

1) I wasn’t going to get contacts because I wanted them, it was because I thought people would like me better without glasses. Yes, it’s an insecurity of mine. 2) I chickened out because I thought about having to touch my eyes and I got scared.

There’s a reason why I’m scared of touching my eyes. When I was little I was cutting paper with adult scissors and my little brother jumped next to me on the couch and I scratched my eyeball. It was horrible, I couldn’t look up for a week or two, had to use eye drops for a while and the sun hurt my eye bad.

That’s one reason why now I am super cautious with my eyes. The thought of putting something in my eyes or touching my eyeball freaked me out. Last minute I changed my mind and said I’ll just purchase new glasses instead. Ones that will make me feel confident.

I found the best pair. I felt pretty and I said to myself, “why wouldn’t people like me just cause of glasses.” I combated the negative thought of “Glasses make me ugly,” with a positive one and said, “I need them to see! Who cares what anyone thinks. I am beautiful.”

Sometimes we have to be a little conceited about ourselves. It’s necessary to see the beauty in us. We may not like one aspect of ourselves but there are thousands of other things we can look at and say, ”Wow, I love this about myself.”

As I am writing this under a hairdryer while getting my hair done, I am thinking, how blessed I am that I can afford glasses. How blessed I am that I can see with glasses.

Got to change the negative thinking into positive thinking. Remember that my butterflies. I know it’s hard to do, trust me I’ve gotten stuck in a cycle of negativity. When you do succeed in destroying those thoughts, the world becomes a brighter place and a new story.

Sincerely una mariposa.

Self Love

The strongest woman I know walks with confidence because she knows she is a queen.

A queen in a world full of many other queens.

She knows a queen never talks down on another because as women we have to uplift each other.

She is a creative masterpiece who loves people for their heart and not their book cover.

She loves her body because it is hers and unique.

Every piece of her is special because it’s the case to an inside so pure that no other soul can compare.

No soul is comparable to any other.

She is free, she is beautiful, she is clumsy, she is full of hope.

She is not perfect.

She admits that openly.

Because she knows perfection is a made up concept.

She is, she is, she is.

That woman is me…

🦋 White Butterly

Every time I see a butterfly I take it as a sign from my grandmother. She passed away when I was 15.

I have given her the title of my guardian angel ever since she passed away. I feel like every time I am in a difficult situation she is there guiding me somehow.

My world has been a rollercoaster for years, but one thing I am proud of is that I keep on going, loving and trying hard.

Lately, my biggest motivation has been the future. I have a lot of hope for my dreams coming true soon.

Have hope for my career, my academics, and my health. Have hope that one day, my butterfly/guardian angel will be proud of me.

These past two weeks have taught me a lot.

1) I learned that when sorrow pushes you, you fight it right back. I could’ve stayed in bed all day and let it consume me, but honestly what good would it do for me?

The benefits of fighting back are that eventually, you will win that fight. You will be victorious and when you look in the mirror, you know that you survived a battle with yourself.

Sometimes the hardest battles are within ourselves.

2) I learned that goals take time. I get very anxious when it takes a while to achieve my goals. I want to lose weight, I want to feel good both physically and mentally, I want to graduate, want to have a book published. I can keep going on with this list. I have to stop and tell myself that all takes time. I am only 22 years old.

If anything, we all gotta stop and look at the things we’ve accomplished so far. Things happen and come at the right time. Goals take time.

3) I learned that meditation is key. When dealing with stress, meditation comes in handy. Taking that time in the day to focus on your mental well being is key. Key to a better existence. Healthy mind, healthy body.

4) Things will come when you least expect them. I’ve had my heart broken a couple times. Sometimes I feel lonely and think I’ll never find that right person. But once again, things will come when you least expect them. If you think positive things, that’s what you will attract. I have witnessed this from time to time.

These are just a few things I’ve been reminded off these two weeks. Two weeks in which have been up and down for me. Sometimes during the hardest weeks is when we are reminded the most of these four few things. The beauty of it all is that I saw a white butterfly today fly by me. It may not be, but I like to think it was my grandmother reminding me I am on the right path.

Have a great night!

Remember you can do it!

Sincerely una mariposa 🦋

The Wind

The wind hits me hard like bricks being thrown at me. Heavy and cold.

It wakes me up from this distorted reality I’ve created in my mind.

A reality in which the sky is gloomy and the weather is forever humid.

Uncomfortable and sweating I walk to the finish line each day.

Once I reach it, I am in bed waiting to start the next race.

When I go outside I feel the wind and it reminds me of a journey instead of a race and the ugly weather is simply just all in my head.

It’s actually beautiful if I stop hiding in bed.

It’s actually beautiful if I step outside and embrace the fall.

It’s actually beautiful when you get out of that routine and throw away that made-up world in your head.

The wind hits me hard, but it reminds me I can feel, I can feel because I am alive.

Life is just not this endless race. It’s a journey. You make stops and find something new each day.

You hit milestones, obstacles, and stages where you find yourself day by day.

Hoping you make it to 100.

Seeing the world change day by day, year by year.

Surrounded by a reality where you are never alone but instead in the company of those you love.

And although some may not understand you, they remind you of the wind that will play with your hair and push you into a reality you won’t want to ignore.

The wind hits me like bricks, cold and heavy.

The wind is the reality I’ve been ignoring for way too long.