Control

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I’ve been on a rollercoaster for so long that I’ve infused into the seat and can’t seem to get off.

Like a puppet, my emotions move me, walk me, make me do actions against my will.

Like a fire, I burn each day in hopes of finding an escape.

Escapes are usually not the easiest.

The world seems like a fast-paced conundrum when you are hyperventilating.

Seems like I do that every day.

Breaths that never slow down. A heart that never rests well enough.

I am always on the edge.

Control.

I learned of this magical word.

Control.

The anxiety, the rollercoaster, they are not my life but just facets of it that I must control.

I must turn the rollercoaster certain ways, turn it off on my own.

The breathing, my heart, the anxiety.

I am In control of my body. Just need to remind myself, mind over body.

I am in control.

Life is not in control of me.

Anxiety doesn’t own me and lastly being on the edge of my seat for the rest of my life is just something I refuse to put my heart through.

I am a work in progress…

Control.

Control.

Control.

Material Things

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Photo by Tyler Lastovich on Pexels.com

Material things make me happy.

When I am falling apart and feeling like ice is forming around my soul, I go on Amazon and look for things I don’t need.

I know, it’s terrible.

I find something I like and get excited.

Deep down a voice in me says, “This won’t make you happy.”

But my sadness clogs up my mind and tells me it will.

It tells me it will keep me occupied, keep me entertained enough to not think about everything else.

Material things make me “happy.”

Let’s define happy.

By happy I mean, distracted.

By happy I mean occupied, filling a void.

Filling my soul with an excitement over something new.

Something I’ll get bored off eventually.

I know it’s not real happiness.

Material things just keep me from falling deeper in the sadness we ourselves welcome with open arms.

Maybe it is true what my mother used to say, “Check on your friends that have everything because deep down they have nothing.”

 

Wild Dreams

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In my wildest dreams.

I imagine the sun setting in front of me.

It’s hues and arrays of colors shining down on me.

Glistening.

I’ll stare at it and a star would fall down and I could touch it.

Take it home with me and keep it in my pocket.

Make a wish each time I feel alone.

In my wildest dreams, I’d meet the love of my life on a Ferris wheel.

My love would turn into that love I’ve never had and would eventually build a world with.

Carry my love’s picture in my pocket.

In my wildest dreams, I would solve the world’s problems.

Eradicate racism, classism, sexism and all the isms.

Feed everyone on the planet.

Care for the sick and the needy.

In my wildest dreams, the world would be a dream I would gladly never wake up from.

But the reality is all I know.

So I like to pretend the phone in my pocket is that lucky star, my love is somewhere searching for me, and the world,

Well, the world will hopefully one day grow.

But for now, I’ll dream, I’ll wish and I’ll do little things that help the world.

Maybe, just maybe, my wildest dreams will come true.

Self Love

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The strongest woman I know walks with confidence because she knows she is a queen.

A queen in a world full of many other queens.

She knows a queen never talks down on another because as women we have to uplift each other.

She is a creative masterpiece who loves people for their heart and not their book cover.

She loves her body because it is hers and unique.

Every piece of her is special because it’s the case to an inside so pure that no other soul can compare.

No soul is comparable to any other.

She is free, she is beautiful, she is clumsy, she is full of hope.

She is not perfect.

She admits that openly.

Because she knows perfection is a made up concept.

She is, she is, she is.

That woman is me…

Breakups

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The thing about breakups is that you feel as if your world is ending when they happen.

Your heart breaks a little. It tears up and lets this toxic gas flow through your body. A gas that fills you with negativity.

You start wondering, was I not enough? What did I do wrong? Why… Why… Why?

Your eyes become fogged up by the sadness of losing someone out of your life. Sometimes that’s the reason we keep running back. Back to someone who doesn’t deserve us. Someone who doesn’t truly love us.

Loss.

We mourn the loss of a lover. That’s why we are sad. We got so used to their company, even if it was bad. We got used to the routine we’ve created by their side.

If you think about it, once we stop mourning that loss we realize how blinded we were by the fog.

We don’t miss them, we miss the company and routine.

A breakup hurts, but it will teach you to love your own company.

Breakups suck.

We mourn.

We lose someone.

But we can never lose our own selves.

No matter what, we have to learn to be our own company sometimes…

In my Dreams

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Henry David Thoreau once said,

“It is better to have your head in the clouds and know where you are… than to breathe the clearer atmosphere below them, and think that you are in paradise.”

I’ll gladly have my heads in the clouds than feel a reality that cannot compare to my dreams. My dreams are magical. My dreams are unique. They are not brick buildings and cloudy sky’s. When I dream I see the white clouds and feel the sand on my feet. Daydreaming isn’t bad when it looks so much like paradise…

The Wind

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The wind hits me hard like bricks being thrown at me. Heavy and cold.

It wakes me up from this distorted reality I’ve created in my mind.

A reality in which the sky is gloomy and the weather is forever humid.

Uncomfortable and sweating I walk to the finish line each day.

Once I reach it, I am in bed waiting to start the next race.

When I go outside I feel the wind and it reminds me of a journey instead of a race and the ugly weather is simply just all in my head.

It’s actually beautiful if I stop hiding in bed.

It’s actually beautiful if I step outside and embrace the fall.

It’s actually beautiful when you get out of that routine and throw away that made-up world in your head.

The wind hits me hard, but it reminds me I can feel, I can feel because I am alive.

Life is just not this endless race. It’s a journey. You make stops and find something new each day.

You hit milestones, obstacles, and stages where you find yourself day by day.

Hoping you make it to 100.

Seeing the world change day by day, year by year.

Surrounded by a reality where you are never alone but instead in the company of those you love.

And although some may not understand you, they remind you of the wind that will play with your hair and push you into a reality you won’t want to ignore.

The wind hits me like bricks, cold and heavy.

The wind is the reality I’ve been ignoring for way too long.