Involuntary Journey

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Anxiety grabs me by my feet and takes me on this involuntary journey.

I didn’t sign up for the ride but my body decided its time for it.

I feel cold and sweaty.

My teeth chatter as if I were on snowy land, high up on a mountain.

Deep breaths they say, deep breaths.

But how can I take deep breaths when all I feel is breathless.

I hold my tongue and try not to curse my own mind.

Anxiety riddled me, trapped me and took me on this ride.

Once it’s over, I feel alive again.

I feel in control of life when it’s over.

But here and there I get that fear that I will once again be forced on this journey.

Anxiety, the involuntary rollercoaster ride.

Advice from a butterfly

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Don’t settle she said.

Be who you want to be.

Fly like a butterfly and show those bright wings.

Don’t hide in the darkness she said.

Ask the world for advice but teach yourself all about life.

Fly near the sun.

Let the heat bring you to life.

Defrost the coldness trapped in the heart.

Fly near danger but learn to adapt.

To survive.

To be free from birth to the end.

In life, don’t settle.

Dream.

Fly.

Open your wings and keep them open until the day you die…

True

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I destroyed the chaos that hurdled towards me like a hunter fighting a beast.

I had a gut feeling that what I needed was to fight the thoughts that kept me trapped in a reality that was dim.

I couldn’t accept myself, my thoughts or the words that unwillingly flowed through my mouth.

My tongue tried to hold back the truths but the truths out weight my lies.

I was never a liar by choice.

Never a liar by manipulation

But I lied to keep my heart safe.

Safe from the harsh words of those I love.

I destroyed the chaos.

I destroyed the pain, but in return, I fell in a cycle of fighting demons each day.

Lost

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You ever feel lost?

I felt lost this whole semester.

Felt like my head was on backward.

Missing classes because of my anxiety.

An anxiety that I let get out of hand.

I failed exams and quizzes because of my anxiety.

My mind just blanks.

My heart beats so fast every day that I wonder how it still hasn’t exploded.

When I speak in class it’s if like word vomit comes out and I don’t make sense.

Or maybe it was just me over analyzing.

Wouldn’t be surprised.

I am an over analyzer.

This semester I felt lost.

Feel like I am going to fail.

Feel like my head wasn’t on right.

For a perfectionist, that is the end of the world.

But I don’t want to feel lost anymore.

It’s time I change my routine.

It is time I change my mindset.

If I didn’t do well this semester, God knows I’ll do well the next.

If my head is on backward, I will face it forward again.

If my heart beats fast, I will teach it to beat normal.

I am done feeling lost.

Lost simply is just not an option anymore.

Control

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I’ve been on a rollercoaster for so long that I’ve infused into the seat and can’t seem to get off.

Like a puppet, my emotions move me, walk me, make me do actions against my will.

Like a fire, I burn each day in hopes of finding an escape.

Escapes are usually not the easiest.

The world seems like a fast-paced conundrum when you are hyperventilating.

Seems like I do that every day.

Breaths that never slow down. A heart that never rests well enough.

I am always on the edge.

Control.

I learned of this magical word.

Control.

The anxiety, the rollercoaster, they are not my life but just facets of it that I must control.

I must turn the rollercoaster certain ways, turn it off on my own.

The breathing, my heart, the anxiety.

I am In control of my body. Just need to remind myself, mind over body.

I am in control.

Life is not in control of me.

Anxiety doesn’t own me and lastly being on the edge of my seat for the rest of my life is just something I refuse to put my heart through.

I am a work in progress…

Control.

Control.

Control.