True

I destroyed the chaos that hurdled towards me like a hunter fighting a beast.

I had a gut feeling that what I needed was to fight the thoughts that kept me trapped in a reality that was dim.

I couldn’t accept myself, my thoughts or the words that unwillingly flowed through my mouth.

My tongue tried to hold back the truths but the truths out weight my lies.

I was never a liar by choice.

Never a liar by manipulation

But I lied to keep my heart safe.

Safe from the harsh words of those I love.

I destroyed the chaos.

I destroyed the pain, but in return, I fell in a cycle of fighting demons each day.

Lost

You ever feel lost?

I felt lost this whole semester.

Felt like my head was on backward.

Missing classes because of my anxiety.

An anxiety that I let get out of hand.

I failed exams and quizzes because of my anxiety.

My mind just blanks.

My heart beats so fast every day that I wonder how it still hasn’t exploded.

When I speak in class it’s if like word vomit comes out and I don’t make sense.

Or maybe it was just me over analyzing.

Wouldn’t be surprised.

I am an over analyzer.

This semester I felt lost.

Feel like I am going to fail.

Feel like my head wasn’t on right.

For a perfectionist, that is the end of the world.

But I don’t want to feel lost anymore.

It’s time I change my routine.

It is time I change my mindset.

If I didn’t do well this semester, God knows I’ll do well the next.

If my head is on backward, I will face it forward again.

If my heart beats fast, I will teach it to beat normal.

I am done feeling lost.

Lost simply is just not an option anymore.

Control

I’ve been on a rollercoaster for so long that I’ve infused into the seat and can’t seem to get off.

Like a puppet, my emotions move me, walk me, make me do actions against my will.

Like a fire, I burn each day in hopes of finding an escape.

Escapes are usually not the easiest.

The world seems like a fast-paced conundrum when you are hyperventilating.

Seems like I do that every day.

Breaths that never slow down. A heart that never rests well enough.

I am always on the edge.

Control.

I learned of this magical word.

Control.

The anxiety, the rollercoaster, they are not my life but just facets of it that I must control.

I must turn the rollercoaster certain ways, turn it off on my own.

The breathing, my heart, the anxiety.

I am In control of my body. Just need to remind myself, mind over body.

I am in control.

Life is not in control of me.

Anxiety doesn’t own me and lastly being on the edge of my seat for the rest of my life is just something I refuse to put my heart through.

I am a work in progress…

Control.

Control.

Control.

Material Things

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Photo by Tyler Lastovich on Pexels.com

Material things make me happy.

When I am falling apart and feeling like ice is forming around my soul, I go on Amazon and look for things I don’t need.

I know, it’s terrible.

I find something I like and get excited.

Deep down a voice in me says, “This won’t make you happy.”

But my sadness clogs up my mind and tells me it will.

It tells me it will keep me occupied, keep me entertained enough to not think about everything else.

Material things make me “happy.”

Let’s define happy.

By happy I mean, distracted.

By happy I mean occupied, filling a void.

Filling my soul with an excitement over something new.

Something I’ll get bored off eventually.

I know it’s not real happiness.

Material things just keep me from falling deeper in the sadness we ourselves welcome with open arms.

Maybe it is true what my mother used to say, “Check on your friends that have everything because deep down they have nothing.”

 

Wild Dreams

In my wildest dreams.

I imagine the sun setting in front of me.

It’s hues and arrays of colors shining down on me.

Glistening.

I’ll stare at it and a star would fall down and I could touch it.

Take it home with me and keep it in my pocket.

Make a wish each time I feel alone.

In my wildest dreams, I’d meet the love of my life on a Ferris wheel.

My love would turn into that love I’ve never had and would eventually build a world with.

Carry my love’s picture in my pocket.

In my wildest dreams, I would solve the world’s problems.

Eradicate racism, classism, sexism and all the isms.

Feed everyone on the planet.

Care for the sick and the needy.

In my wildest dreams, the world would be a dream I would gladly never wake up from.

But the reality is all I know.

So I like to pretend the phone in my pocket is that lucky star, my love is somewhere searching for me, and the world,

Well, the world will hopefully one day grow.

But for now, I’ll dream, I’ll wish and I’ll do little things that help the world.

Maybe, just maybe, my wildest dreams will come true.