No Such Thing as Perfect

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Hello my butterflies 🦋

I am going to let you guys in on a little secret. Sometimes the happiest looking people are deep down not as happy as they seem.

I say this because I am a prime example of this. I am always smiling and joking. I am the first person to ask how somebody else is doing but not ask myself why I feel down. I am the person who will push my emotions aside to be there for the people I love.

I may seem like I have my world in order. I may seem like I know what I am doing but I am just as lost in this world as any other.

I have my days where life takes a toll on me and I am stuck trying not to drown. Let me tell you something, the 20’s aren’t how I thought they would be. No, it’s not about partying and relationships. In my 20’s I feel this pressure to be on the right path so in my 30’s I have the goals I am trying to reach.

There’s lots of stress associated with educational responsibilities, family responsibilities, and overall just living life.

The whole point to writing this is to say, no I am not perfect. No one is. I may always be smiling and joking around but somedays I am walking a tightrope as well. Balancing in life is hard. Reaching the other end of that rope is hard.

Although life is hard. I made a vow to myself that I will get through my 20’s with my imperfections. I will make it.

Ups, downs, mistakes, you name it. I will own them and I will graduate college and be who I aspire to be.

Remember you can be imperfect and reach a life so perfect you’ll believe imperfect is the new perfect.

Like a cloud

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The world may seem like a dark shark infested system.

The sky is unreachable and untenable.

Dreams hang from the tears of desperate young souls who long for success.

It may seem like the world has many dead ends.

If you open your eyes and stare directly at the clouds, you’ll be able to catch your breath.

As the clouds roam the sky that we cannot touch, you are reminded that life is slower than we think.

We rush through everything because that’s how society has survived.

Run for the train, fast-paced jobs, and extreme anxiety keeps us on the edge.

But as you look in the sky, the slowness of the clouds drifting slows your mind a little, doesn’t it?

See, like the clouds we have the power to slow down.

To slower our heart rate by just closing our eyes and imagining that we already reached success.

Sometimes patience is all we need.

Don’t go in desperation for your dreams because life has a funny way of just pushing them farther.

If you do it slow but steady, you will reach them with a calmness in your soul that will prepare you for what you just obtained.

We are not sharks.

We are souls trapped in bodies.

Souls that long for success.

Souls that just like clouds, need to enjoy life with patience and steadiness.

A cloud makes it all over the world, in the slowest fashion but it has reached farther territory than any fast-paced bird.

Beat up the negative thoughts

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Today has been super stressful. Well, actually this whole week has been stressful for me. Midterms, complicated statistics homework, and a presentation.

I got them over with but I can’t help but beat myself up over them.

I realized after the presentation, my first thoughts were, “I did badly.” “I repeated my self a lot.” “I stuttered.” “I was shaking the whole time.”

After my midterm, my first thoughts were, “I failed.”

After submitting my math homework I thought, “I’m getting a bad grade on this.”

I understood today that I am being super negative with myself. Why is that?

Why do we human beings tend to dwell so much on the negative? Our automatic thoughts are a lot of the times self-destructive.

I realized it’s how I combat those thoughts that will help me be able to sleep peacefully tonight. I have to stop and for every negative thought come up with a positive one.

This post is a reminder to myself and those out there under stress, We are doing our best.

As long as we try and learn from our mistakes, life will get better. Things get better.

That’s what I will tell myself, a bad grade or not, I tried my best.

Poetry saved me

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Poetry is a beautiful thing.

It’s a creation of expression.

A creation where my lips may not be moving but my fingers are writing something magical.

Magical for me at least.

I am letting go of things that verbally, I didn’t even know exist.

Poetry saved me a couple times from letting go of my dreams, my future and let alone myself.

Poetry saved me when I was dealing with trauma only the world knew behind closed doors.

A poem can rhyme, can be disorganized, can be shaped and twisted around through syllables, sentences, words.

I paint pictures with written words.

I tell stories only my brain can unfold.

Poetry saved me.

Poetry is music.

Music that fills my ears with jazz and romantic words.

It’s my reminder that I do believe in true love.

I write about love and realize that word means something to me.

No matter how much I try to pretend it’s just a word.

Power hides inside my fingertips.

These written words one day maybe my legacy.

Poetry saved me.

Poetry held me.

Poetry will be the legacy I will leave behind one day to the children I still don’t know.

It is the gold I hide in my treasure chest.

Poetry is more than just words written in cursive and ink.

I have a relationship with it that not many will truly ever know.

Poetry,

Poetry,

Poetry…

My first love.

Bridges

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Sometimes in life, we have to cross bridges, build bridges and destroy a couple bridges. It’s painful to destroy a couple of them because we can’t no longer reach that thing that hurts us but gives us so much comfort at the same time.

Burning bridges takes a lot of strength, a lot of heartaches. It’s a process that feels like it’s breaking us with it. But this is necessary.

Once you destroy that bridge, you can build a new one. A bigger, brighter one. Create a scenery of flowers and flowing water around it. Let it lead you to a brighter and bigger future.

Some bridges fall, but only the ones we really need stay put. Just look around. Do you like what you see around that bridge you are walking on?

😊🦋

Little Update

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My life consists of commuting back and forth to my college and doing homework.

I go out occasionally and have fun but fall semester is always intense. More projects to work on, essays and exams.

This weekend I have planned going out to eat with my best friend so that should be fun! A great way to release some stress honestly.

It’s all worth it though because one day my younger siblings will be proud of me and hopefully look up to me.

My goal 😊.

All I ever wanted as a child was to make my family proud. So, I’ve always worked hard.

Yesterday I spent my day in school and had a great bus ride back home. For once the bus was empty.

On another note, I did experience some disappointments last week.

Last week I realized some people can be liars and just want to use you.

Have you ever had someone in your life who only wanted one thing from you?

Who made it seem like they cared but were lying the whole time?

Yeah, that happened to me. But it taught me to be the bigger person. I simply let it be and moved on to bigger and brighter things and people.

Advice, just walk away. You don’t need negativity In your lives my butterflies.

I found myself working extra hard on my assignments and my personal writing as well. Plan on entering some of my poems in a contest at my college.

Wish me luck!

I finished my night yesterday hopeful, listening to music and working on my assignments.

Just a little update on my life.

Hope you all have a great week and remember work hard, love life and lastly stay strong my butterflies 🦋.

Anxiety

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Good morning all!

As usual, I started my day super early, even though it’s my day off from school and work. I can never sleep in. Most of my energy takes place in the morning so I get things done first thing in the morning.

This week has been a whirlwind. I have had several people trying to get me to hang out with them but I simply just want to stay home. The main reason is that I get anxiety about going outside.

I am like a bird, happy in my nest but once its time to flap my wings I am terrified. My anxiety has been getting intense lately. Physically I am experiencing a lot more symptoms. The worst one is the heavy breathing and the shaky feeling inside of me. I feel as if something within me is crumbling, being destroyed. The world shakes within me.

I know exposure is what can day by day calm this anxiety in me, so I go out to school, take the bus and yesterday I went out and did some errands. Yes, it felt horrible inside but I got it done. I also realized that after a while of walking outside and realizing I am okay that anxiety calms down a little.

I have my guardian angel protecting me anyways. For those new to my blog, my grandmother who passed away is in my mind my guardian angel.

I shared this with you guys in case any of you are dealing with anxiety. Look out for the physical effects anxiety have on your body. Also try to get a little exposure to what causes you anxiety, slowly of course. Don’t just jump right into it and if you guys can, a therapist will help a lot with this gradual exposure.

Here are some things I realized about anxiety that may be helpful,

  1. Anxiety can cause physical effects. Sweating, pain, nauseousness, rapid heart rate and so much more. I know it only makes the anxiety in our minds worse but they will subside once you focus on what’s going on in the mind. What I do is focus on my breathing instead of the repetitive negative thoughts.
  2. Exposure is a must. It helps to show your repetitive thoughts that they are wrong. My repetitive negative thoughts of going outside are that no one is good and everything’s dangerous outside. By going outside I have bumped into really sweet and kind people. I have also seen I have made it home safely every single time. This enforces more and more that my thoughts are not as right as I thought they were.
  3. Take it day by day. Expose yourself to what causes anxiety slowly and lastly, if it’s too much to deal with to the point that it affects your functioning in life, therapy is a great thing to think about. A good therapist and support system will help reshape these negative thoughts with positive ones slowly but surely.

Have a beautiful day my butterflies and don’t forget, anxiety can’t destroy us but we can destroy it.

Here’s a song I enjoy and maybe you guys will like it too.