Butterfly Stay

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I see you asking the world where to go.

Should you float away left, right?

Should you hide under a rock and forever hide.

I hold your hand and you shy away.

I lay my head on yours and you don’t know what to do.

Like a butterfly, you shy away.

You sense me coming and fly away.

Have you been hurt so many times that the world is no longer livable?

Have you forgotten that touch, love, and sympathy are applicable?

I see you.

All lost and stuck in your head.

Can you embrace your colors?

Fly like a butterfly onto my hands and see that there’s no need to fly away.

The world won’t hurt you,

Especially if I’m the one holding your hand…

Chasing Love Away

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Photo from Pexels

Valentine’s Day. It is on February 14. The day of flowers, chocolates, teddy bears and love.

I chase people away.

I never open up because life is too short to get hurt and people hurt me all the time anyway.

Although I was cold and bitter in many ways, I still craved to be held and called “my love.”

I remember reading my tarot cards, yes I’m into that stuff.

My cards kept telling me that I was going to find love but I just couldn’t tell when.

They assured me, I was going to one day find love.

I remember walking with my friend, a quiet girl but very intelligent and she told me, “Love is within you.”

I said, “How can it be within me if I don’t even love myself.”

Her face turned sour and she said, “Don’t say that, you hear me. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t give love to anyone else.”

At the time I brushed it off but she was wise.

Wiser than any other 22 years old.

That night I tried hard to realize why I just couldn’t love myself.

I have 100 reasons why not to love myself.

Too short.

Too nerdy.

Too ugly.

Too this and that.

I fell asleep that night and had a dream like no other.

I dreamed I was loved.

Loved by someone, I just couldn’t see their face.

All I remember is they danced with me and kept telling me, “You are beautiful. You are capable. You are wise.”

My dream was strange but it made me feel like I had a chance.

Valentine’s Day was approaching and this girl who was wise told me, “You are never lonely if you love yourself.”

Again, I was struck with pure questioning.

What does it mean to love oneself?

So she sat me down and told me, “Loving yourself is all about acceptance. Accepting the flaws, accepting that you are human and special in every way.”

I never felt love until I came home that night and looked at a picture of myself when I was 10.

Oh, how I loved my dolls.

My innocence.

My long black hair and holding people’s hands.

If I could love that child I once was, I can love the adult version.

A version that might’ve lost that innocence.

But never lost that love.

Just needed a good friend and a picture to remind me that February 14 is just another day.

My tarot cards are right.

I will find love. Everyone does.

Just needed to find the love in me first so one day I can stop being the girl who chases everyone away.

Late Night Conversations

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I miss those late night conversations.

The conversations where you can just share every detail of your life and not regret it.

Late night conversations talking in a hushed voice so I wouldn’t wake anyone up.

Listening to the show you were ignoring in the background of the call.

I miss those late night conversations where I could sing and laugh at corny jokes.

Late night conversations where I don’t even think about how I have to be up in 5 hours.

I miss those late night conversations.

The conversations where we would send each other our worst pictures and make fun of each other.

Who doesn’t crave someone to have late night conversations with…

The heart holder

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Her heart, I held it for a second because it slipped out of her the moment he left.

I told her she’ll be ok and that she didn’t need a man like that.

Worse of all was that she is older than me and would never want me seeing her cry over a man.

But although I was young, I already understood love is flawed.

She assured me she was strong. Wiped the tears off her face and said, “I can do better.”

I knew she could but I also knew they’ll get back together any day.

Despite her being smart she had a debilitating love for this man.

A man who didn’t treat her right, who didn’t love her the way a diamond should be loved.

He treated her more like a second option he can run to when he felt lonely.

She was more like a property he owned and invested in.

I told her, “Get back with him and I honestly might not be your friend anymore.”

Maybe if I scared her it will work.

A week later they were back together.

Yet again, there I was, holding her heart again until he decided to come back and play with it once more…