She looks up to me

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When I was 9 my little sister was born. I vowed from the first day she came home that I would protect her from the world.

I already at the age of 9 knew the evils in this world and I wanted to make sure she never experienced anything bad.

I carried her and felt my world feel complete for a second. This new baby in my arms was going to be my new best friend.

I protected her as if she were my own. I made sure she was content. I would tell my mom to take good care of her while I was at school.

As my sister got older, she was still the best thing to happen to me. I would watch movies with her, I would teach her words and be her guide in many aspects of life.

Being almost a decade older than her meant I had almost 10 more years of experience in this world.

But then came my teenage years. I was no longer that sister I wanted her to see. I changed. I was not the best version of myself.

I made a lot of mistakes. I scared the living hell out of my family multiple times. I could’ve lost my life at times. I could’ve been the sister she never would see again.

I thought I failed her.

Recently she told me something I’ll never forget. Now at 13 years old, she’s taller than me. She is intelligent, girly, a role model at her school. I fear she’ll end up like me once I entered high school. Don’t want her to lose her best qualities in a world of hormones and depression.

Recently she told me, “I hope to be just like you.” I was shocked. Why would anyone want to be like me? I made so many mistakes. I am not the best at dealing with life’s hurdles. She said, “All my siblings are in college. You are smart. My sisters are doing great things. I love telling my friends that you guys are in college.”

She made me realize, she loves her sister no matter what. I realized, Yes I might’ve been a bad influence at one point but look at me now. In college, and working hard. I realized, a child doesn’t see the flaws behind a face that they love. A child will always find that silver lining in you.

So, yes the past will mark you but it will never ever determine your future.

To my sister, if you ever read this blog. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me I can do this and I have two pairs of eyes learning from me. I won’t let you down.

Add my Twitter guys I am new to it.

@dianaloves333

And add my Instagram

@simplyunamariposa_

What we hide from the world

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I can’t deny there are some things I desire. I desire love, affection, and care. I desire to feel wanted. I desire to feel complete but only I can complete myself.

I stay off social media because all you see are people who are happy. Couples who look in love, babies, promotions, graduations, the list can go on.

It’s so blinding that I sometimes forget nothing is ever all positive. Maybe that couple is miserable. Maybe that family isn’t perfect, maybe just maybe that smile in that selfie isn’t real.

I built up so many expectations for myself on where I should be in life. Life simply can’t be planned out. It never goes how we want it.

I have secrets and sorrows but so does everyone else. They just mask it the same way I mask mine on social media.

We live in a world of fake smiles, fake pictures. It’s a technological world. Where selfies and statuses fog up the screen. We live in a world of likes and emojis.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s all just a wall, masking what we try to hide from the world.

Beat up the negative thoughts

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Today has been super stressful. Well, actually this whole week has been stressful for me. Midterms, complicated statistics homework, and a presentation.

I got them over with but I can’t help but beat myself up over them.

I realized after the presentation, my first thoughts were, “I did badly.” “I repeated my self a lot.” “I stuttered.” “I was shaking the whole time.”

After my midterm, my first thoughts were, “I failed.”

After submitting my math homework I thought, “I’m getting a bad grade on this.”

I understood today that I am being super negative with myself. Why is that?

Why do we human beings tend to dwell so much on the negative? Our automatic thoughts are a lot of the times self-destructive.

I realized it’s how I combat those thoughts that will help me be able to sleep peacefully tonight. I have to stop and for every negative thought come up with a positive one.

This post is a reminder to myself and those out there under stress, We are doing our best.

As long as we try and learn from our mistakes, life will get better. Things get better.

That’s what I will tell myself, a bad grade or not, I tried my best.

From toxic to free

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Good morning guys!

Yesterday I asked my followers on my personal Instagram what I should write about next. One good friend of mine suggested I write about being in a toxic relationship and making the decision to be on your own and letting that person go.

I’ve touched on this subject before in my older posts but didn’t go in depth. I have experienced this. Precisely when I was graduating high school. It was my first serious relationship.

Everything, of course, seems perfect in the beginning but as time continued we were just really toxic for each other. The arguing and the control this person had over me was unbearable. I stayed for a long time in this relationship because I didn’t want to be on my “own.”

I feared to be lonely. The messed up thing about being in a toxic relationship is that losing your friends sometimes happens. So not only was this person my only “friend,” but I also was just so emotionally drained from the arguing that making friendships was the last thing on my mind.

Listen, guys, letting that person go may be painful at first. May feel like your world is crashing down on you. You may be fearing to feel lonely. But the truth is, sometimes what we miss once we break up is the routine we got accustomed to with that person, not the actual person. You will miss having someone to constantly text, or their family or just having company. But trust me, you will be able to breathe once you feel free in your own company. Learn to be alone. To do things alone. Build a routine without them.

We overlook how healthy it is to be alone sometimes. It’s a great time to find ourselves. Learn from that toxic relationship so you know what you want next in a future relationship.

Each relationship we’re In teaches us something about ourselves and about what is important to us in a relationship.

You may be lonely for a little. Once that person is gone, you will start making friends again. You will be back to embracing your hobbies and most importantly taking care of your soul and heart.

Unhealthy relationships aren’t good for our mental well being.

If you are contemplating ending a toxic relationship, it’s going to be hard but you have to do what’s best for you.

We only have one life. Do not spend it trying to please someone who only gives you headaches, or controls your ability to live this life the best way possible.

Take it from me, being happy after a break up is possible and true. I am in the best place in life right now. I let that person go and honestly, best decision I ever made.

Now I have great friends, can focus on my career and on me. You can have that too.

Grateful

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accomplishment ceremony education graduation

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

My week has been the same so far. School, coming home late, the usual. Can’t wait to graduate already. I love college because I meet cool and caring people here but sometimes I stress so much in the semester that I don’t want to even finish this degree.

What keeps me going is the thought that I am so close to my bachelors. Just two more semesters if I stay on the right path. I am so close to winning this race that I thought I was never going to win. Between my Bipolar Disorder and the ups and downs of life, I have made it to just two more semesters until I walk down the stage and receive my diploma.

My mother says all the time that I should be proud. I had times in my life where I thought giving up was best. I had my mother and many people in my life reminding me after each semester how far I’ve come.

I’ve had moments where I almost let my emotions, and life beat me up but I stood strong. I first thought I was going to college for my parents. I realized I am going for a much bigger reason. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I want to look in the mirror one day and be able to say, I have a career and I did it with hard work.

A lot of the time I am reminded of how lucky I am to even be able to go to college. My mother would’ve loved to have gone when she was my age. I am able to go and make use of what I learn and that is a blessing.

I haven’t given up yet and I won’t. Just two more semesters. The headaches and the nights of studying, oh and that long commute from school and home are all worth it. One day I will be able to say, “Damn, look at me. A college student, a professional, a woman who worked hard.”