Control

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I’ve been on a rollercoaster for so long that I’ve infused into the seat and can’t seem to get off.

Like a puppet, my emotions move me, walk me, make me do actions against my will.

Like a fire, I burn each day in hopes of finding an escape.

Escapes are usually not the easiest.

The world seems like a fast-paced conundrum when you are hyperventilating.

Seems like I do that every day.

Breaths that never slow down. A heart that never rests well enough.

I am always on the edge.

Control.

I learned of this magical word.

Control.

The anxiety, the rollercoaster, they are not my life but just facets of it that I must control.

I must turn the rollercoaster certain ways, turn it off on my own.

The breathing, my heart, the anxiety.

I am In control of my body. Just need to remind myself, mind over body.

I am in control.

Life is not in control of me.

Anxiety doesn’t own me and lastly being on the edge of my seat for the rest of my life is just something I refuse to put my heart through.

I am a work in progress…

Control.

Control.

Control.

She looks up to me

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When I was 9 my little sister was born. I vowed from the first day she came home that I would protect her from the world.

I already at the age of 9 knew the evils in this world and I wanted to make sure she never experienced anything bad.

I carried her and felt my world feel complete for a second. This new baby in my arms was going to be my new best friend.

I protected her as if she were my own. I made sure she was content. I would tell my mom to take good care of her while I was at school.

As my sister got older, she was still the best thing to happen to me. I would watch movies with her, I would teach her words and be her guide in many aspects of life.

Being almost a decade older than her meant I had almost 10 more years of experience in this world.

But then came my teenage years. I was no longer that sister I wanted her to see. I changed. I was not the best version of myself.

I made a lot of mistakes. I scared the living hell out of my family multiple times. I could’ve lost my life at times. I could’ve been the sister she never would see again.

I thought I failed her.

Recently she told me something I’ll never forget. Now at 13 years old, she’s taller than me. She is intelligent, girly, a role model at her school. I fear she’ll end up like me once I entered high school. Don’t want her to lose her best qualities in a world of hormones and depression.

Recently she told me, “I hope to be just like you.” I was shocked. Why would anyone want to be like me? I made so many mistakes. I am not the best at dealing with life’s hurdles. She said, “All my siblings are in college. You are smart. My sisters are doing great things. I love telling my friends that you guys are in college.”

She made me realize, she loves her sister no matter what. I realized, Yes I might’ve been a bad influence at one point but look at me now. In college, and working hard. I realized, a child doesn’t see the flaws behind a face that they love. A child will always find that silver lining in you.

So, yes the past will mark you but it will never ever determine your future.

To my sister, if you ever read this blog. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me I can do this and I have two pairs of eyes learning from me. I won’t let you down.

Add my Twitter guys I am new to it.

@dianaloves333

And add my Instagram

@simplyunamariposa_

Pulled Apart

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They danced around like butterflies in a garden bush.

They held hands with hopes of never letting go.

They kissed in secret and vowed to one day tell the world.

Lovers pulled away by destiny and their own parents.

They messaged each other when they were alone.

Isolated themselves from their parents who just couldn’t understand true love.

So they lied, they said they were lonely.

But in reality, they were in love.

The stars spell out each other’s names to one another when they looked up in the sky.

Love was all they saw when they looked into each other’s eyes.

They met up every day when they had time to make up a lie.

They found their way to each other.

No matter the time.

Rain, snow, sleet, they managed to get a hug.

A hug that kept them going through the day.

Mom and dad pulled them apart.

But their love only kept growing.

Causing them to one day just run away…

A little poem for those who want to be with someone but life gets in the way.

We only live once, go after what you love and who you love 歹

White Butterly

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Every time I see a butterfly I take it as a sign from my grandmother. She passed away when I was 15.

I have given her the title of my guardian angel ever since she passed away. I feel like every time I am in a difficult situation she is there guiding me somehow.

My world has been a rollercoaster for years, but one thing I am proud of is that I keep on going, loving and trying hard.

Lately, my biggest motivation has been the future. I have a lot of hope for my dreams coming true soon.

Have hope for my career, my academics, and my health. Have hope that one day, my butterfly/guardian angel will be proud of me.

These past two weeks have taught me a lot.

1) I learned that when sorrow pushes you, you fight it right back. I could’ve stayed in bed all day and let it consume me, but honestly what good would it do for me?

The benefits of fighting back are that eventually, you will win that fight. You will be victorious and when you look in the mirror, you know that you survived a battle with yourself.

Sometimes the hardest battles are within ourselves.

2) I learned that goals take time. I get very anxious when it takes a while to achieve my goals. I want to lose weight, I want to feel good both physically and mentally, I want to graduate, want to have a book published. I can keep going on with this list. I have to stop and tell myself that all takes time. I am only 22 years old.

If anything, we all gotta stop and look at the things we’ve accomplished so far. Things happen and come at the right time. Goals take time.

3) I learned that meditation is key. When dealing with stress, meditation comes in handy. Taking that time in the day to focus on your mental well being is key. Key to a better existence. Healthy mind, healthy body.

4) Things will come when you least expect them. I’ve had my heart broken a couple times. Sometimes I feel lonely and think I’ll never find that right person. But once again, things will come when you least expect them. If you think positive things, that’s what you will attract. I have witnessed this from time to time.

These are just a few things I’ve been reminded off these two weeks. Two weeks in which have been up and down for me. Sometimes during the hardest weeks is when we are reminded the most of these four few things. The beauty of it all is that I saw a white butterfly today fly by me. It may not be, but I like to think it was my grandmother reminding me I am on the right path.

Have a great night!

Remember you can do it!

Sincerely una mariposa

The Wind

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The wind hits me hard like bricks being thrown at me. Heavy and cold.

It wakes me up from this distorted reality Ive created in my mind.

A reality in which the sky is gloomy and the weather is forever humid.

Uncomfortable and sweating I walk to the finish line each day.

Once I reach it, I am in bed waiting to start the next race.

When I go outside I feel the wind and it reminds me of a journey instead of a race and the ugly weather is simply just all in my head.

It’s actually beautiful if I stop hiding in bed.

It’s actually beautiful if I step outside and embrace the fall.

It’s actually beautiful when you get out of that routine and throw away that made-up world in your head.

The wind hits me hard, but it reminds me I can feel, I can feel because I am alive.

Life is just not this endless race. It’s a journey. You make stops and find something new each day.

You hit milestones, obstacles, and stages where you find yourself day by day.

Hoping you make it to 100.

Seeing the world change day by day, year by year.

Surrounded by a reality where you are never alone but instead in the company of those you love.

And although some may not understand you, they remind you of the wind that will play with your hair and push you into a reality you won’t want to ignore.

The wind hits me like bricks, cold and heavy.

The wind is the reality Ive been ignoring for way too long.

Healthy Love

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When I watch love stories or read about them, I am reminded of the lack of romance in my life right now.

Ive had plenty of lovers and romance.

But it’s as if my life has taken a break from that.

Ive never been single for so long. Always had a love interest or someone after me.

But things have changed, my standards have blossomed because I won’t settle for less anymore.

Lonely.

A feeling that used to make me accept nothing but less in my life.

Had me running back to exes who never deserved me.

Had me looking for love in the wrong places.

Until I realized that being lonely isnt a reason to settle for less, to look for love in the wrong places because it’s easier.

When I started giving myself the attention I always got from others, I realized, yes when I see a couple or read a romance novel, I may feel lonely.

But it’s good to feel lonely because then you can comfort your own self, get to know your own self.

When you realize you deserve better, feeling lonely is an accomplishment.

Accomplishment because you have learned it’s better being alone than in bad company.

It’s better to be patient for respect.

Be patient for healthy love.

It’s better.

It’s better.

It’s better.

Guardian Angel

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I believe I have a guardian angel.

I am not religious but I wear an angel on my necklace.

I believe I have a guardian angel.

I feel this immense amount of luck ever since my grandmother passed away.

I feel her presence some days.

Like a child who won’t leave the room.

I see her in my dreams, giving me advice about situations in my head.

I believe she is my guardian angel.

Some say it’s to cope.

Others say it’s religion.

I say it’s a feeling.

A strong one.

When I faced death in its eyes, I felt her presence.

It told me, survive.

I walk outside knowing It’s not my time yet.

And if the day ever comes, I know I won’t feel her presence anymore.

I believe I have a guardian angel.