Lost

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You ever feel lost?

I felt lost this whole semester.

Felt like my head was on backward.

Missing classes because of my anxiety.

An anxiety that I let get out of hand.

I failed exams and quizzes because of my anxiety.

My mind just blanks.

My heart beats so fast every day that I wonder how it still hasn’t exploded.

When I speak in class it’s if like word vomit comes out and I don’t make sense.

Or maybe it was just me over analyzing.

Wouldn’t be surprised.

I am an over analyzer.

This semester I felt lost.

Feel like I am going to fail.

Feel like my head wasn’t on right.

For a perfectionist, that is the end of the world.

But I don’t want to feel lost anymore.

It’s time I change my routine.

It is time I change my mindset.

If I didn’t do well this semester, God knows I’ll do well the next.

If my head is on backward, I will face it forward again.

If my heart beats fast, I will teach it to beat normal.

I am done feeling lost.

Lost simply is just not an option anymore.

Life of a student

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The life of a student.

It is when attendance matters so you walk to class in snow or rain.

It is where you learn to balance friends with work.

Where you balance money and education.

Where balancing responsibilities with desires go in hand.

The life of a student.

Determination will get you through it.

One day when you get that diploma, it will all be worth it.

Oh, how I love the life of a student.

Grateful

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accomplishment ceremony education graduation

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

My week has been the same so far. School, coming home late, the usual. Can’t wait to graduate already. I love college because I meet cool and caring people here but sometimes I stress so much in the semester that I don’t want to even finish this degree.

What keeps me going is the thought that I am so close to my bachelors. Just two more semesters if I stay on the right path. I am so close to winning this race that I thought I was never going to win. Between my Bipolar Disorder and the ups and downs of life, I have made it to just two more semesters until I walk down the stage and receive my diploma.

My mother says all the time that I should be proud. I had times in my life where I thought giving up was best. I had my mother and many people in my life reminding me after each semester how far I’ve come.

I’ve had moments where I almost let my emotions, and life beat me up but I stood strong. I first thought I was going to college for my parents. I realized I am going for a much bigger reason. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I want to look in the mirror one day and be able to say, I have a career and I did it with hard work.

A lot of the time I am reminded of how lucky I am to even be able to go to college. My mother would’ve loved to have gone when she was my age. I am able to go and make use of what I learn and that is a blessing.

I haven’t given up yet and I won’t. Just two more semesters. The headaches and the nights of studying, oh and that long commute from school and home are all worth it. One day I will be able to say, “Damn, look at me. A college student, a professional, a woman who worked hard.”

Good Morning!

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(Put a picture of me smiling because that’s how I feel, like a smile blessing a face that has been sad for too long!)

Hello my butterflies,

As you guys may have seen, I haven’t written as often lately.

Well, guys its because the dreaded college classes are back 😩. I have not been looking forward to going back mainly because the bus ride there is long, the train ride is even longer, that’s why I take the bus.

Although I had an intense fear of my classes, they turned out to be really good! The professors are amazing this semester.

In 4 out of my 5 classes the teachers made us introduce yourself to the classmates. I hate that. I am super shy and this year my anxiety has been off the roof. So this simple task of saying my name, major, why I took the class and a hobby of mine kills me.

But guess what! I did it. With my heart beating fast and my voice about to shake I did it. My goals for this year is to 1) of course pass my classes but 2) Also find myself, be happy.

I will put myself out there to make my shyness less. Don’t get me wrong, I talk when I have to and I make friends but I am not an assertive person and I overreact internally when I do something awkward. I am my biggest enemy at times.

Yesterday I came home and was telling myself, ”Can I really do this?”

My answer to myself is yes I can. Sure, yesterday that wasn’t my answer but today I realized I will make it. I will reach my goals and aspirations.

Being a college student is all about accepting yourself but also building more and cooler aspects to yourself each day. I learn about myself every semester.

It’s time I stop letting the anxiety break me down. I keep my cool externally. Internally not so much. It’s time I change that.

I have a class today at 12:50.

Wish me luck guys, it’s psych statistics.

I hope you all have been just as motivated as I am this morning.

As to my eating better and exercising I have been doing great. I learned I make great salads, I love fish and removing dairy has my body feeling great.

I exercise every night. Hoping school doesn’t tire me out and I give up on doing my exercises but gotta remind myself, no negative affirmations, just positive ones!

Everything looking good guys. I am hopeful my health will get better, hopeful I pass my classes and hopeful I make new friends!

Have a great morning!

Sincerely, una mariposa