Rebooting Brain

My thoughts linger around like the lights resonating from my snow globe. I wonder what its like to run three thousand miles deep in the sun. Far from the glowing thoughts.

The world twinkles, and rumbles a little too loud for me somedays. All I want to do is accomplish something but my creativity has its days. Somedays its hard to write a page, other days I can write 52 pages in one sitting.

Distractibility is my weakness when my mind is rewinding. Sometimes my mind is on hyper speed, somedays it takes forever to reboot.

I have batteries, they run out somedays. I have to change them to feel alive again.

My brain is twisted and turned around. All I need is a little sleep, a little energy, a little bit of a high to make me feel accomplished again.

My thoughts linger…

Sometimes, I write things that just simply don’t make sense…

Poetry from a rebooting brain isn’t meant to make sense but what work of art ever makes complete sense anyway?

Grateful

accomplishment ceremony education graduation

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My week has been the same so far. School, coming home late, the usual. Can’t wait to graduate already. I love college because I meet cool and caring people here but sometimes I stress so much in the semester that I don’t want to even finish this degree.

What keeps me going is the thought that I am so close to my bachelors. Just two more semesters if I stay on the right path. I am so close to winning this race that I thought I was never going to win. Between my Bipolar Disorder and the ups and downs of life, I have made it to just two more semesters until I walk down the stage and receive my diploma.

My mother says all the time that I should be proud. I had times in my life where I thought giving up was best. I had my mother and many people in my life reminding me after each semester how far I’ve come.

I’ve had moments where I almost let my emotions, and life beat me up but I stood strong. I first thought I was going to college for my parents. I realized I am going for a much bigger reason. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I want to look in the mirror one day and be able to say, I have a career and I did it with hard work.

A lot of the time I am reminded of how lucky I am to even be able to go to college. My mother would’ve loved to have gone when she was my age. I am able to go and make use of what I learn and that is a blessing.

I haven’t given up yet and I won’t. Just two more semesters. The headaches and the nights of studying, oh and that long commute from school and home are all worth it. One day I will be able to say, “Damn, look at me. A college student, a professional, a woman who worked hard.”

Walk that tightrope

This week it dawned on me that if I give up now, where will that take me?

Where will I be 10 years from now if I don’t stay strong?

I had a day this week where I kind of lost all hope in keeping up with my college career, or with working out and taking care of my health.

I battle with Bipolar Disorder and some days, I feel like I am walking on a tightrope. Trying hard to balance. Trying hard to stay on the right path.

After a couple of hard weeks, I told my sister, “what do I do when nothing else is working?”

My sister, a woman of few words and tough skin who seems to never cry gave me advice you guys may find helpful.

Before I tell you guys what it is you are not alone if you feel the same way. The stressors of life, mental health and pressure to prove to everyone that you are capable of beating the mold can sometimes squish you alive.

As a woman who is the oldest, and the one everyone looks up to, giving up on my dreams simply isn’t an option.

So my sister, a tough-skinned woman, told me as I was crying to meditate.

Mind over body she said. Positive thoughts over the negative.

She was right. From years of therapy, I’ve learned that already. But sometimes, hearing it from a person who you would think never needs to do any of that opened my eyes.

Even the toughest of souls need to cry, need to meditate, need to remind themselves they can do it.

My sister and I have many different views and yes she gets on my nerves but it’s a great feeling knowing she will always care.

I have been doing just as she said, mind over body. Positive thoughts over negative ones.

One breath at a time, one day at a time, and one week at a time. “Don’t forget,” she told me. I will make sure I do not.

Sometimes when we are unbalanced we must stop what we are doing, take a deep breath and when ready, walk that tightrope.