Something new

Standard

I have been wanting to do something new.

Maybe to feel a spark in me again, to feel like life is more than just a routine.

I got a piercing for the first time on my nose.

I wanted to feel young.

I am young but sometimes life makes me feel old.

Old in the sense that I don’t have fun as much as I should.

It’s hard to stop and breath while chasing dreams.

It’s hard to stop and breath when the world around you needs you to make it proud.

Sometimes I hold my breath and dive into things I don’t expect I’d do, so I can feel alive again.

Today was great, got a piercing.

Today was great, didn’t do homework.

Didn’t do work.

Today I just focused on having a little fun again.

Why can’t we chase our dreams while dancing and twirling along the way?

The only person stopping us from that is our own selves.

Chasing Love Away

Standard

Photo from Pexels

Valentines Day. It is on February 14. The day of flowers, chocolates, teddy bears and love.

I chase people away.

I never open up because life is too short to get hurt and people hurt me all the time anyway.

Although I was cold and bitter in many ways, I still craved to be held and called my love.

I remember reading my tarot cards, yes Im into that stuff.

My cards kept telling me that I was going to find love but I just couldnt tell when.

They assured me, I was going to one day find love.

I remember walking with my friend, a quiet girl but very intelligent and she told me, Love is within you.

I said, How can it be within me if I dont even love myself.

Her face turned sour and she said, Dont say that, you hear me. If you dont love yourself, you cant give love to anyone else.

At the time I brushed it off but she was wise.

Wiser than any other 22 years old.

That night I tried hard to realize why I just couldnt love myself.

I have 100 reasons why not to love myself.

Too short.

Too nerdy.

Too ugly.

Too this and that.

I fell asleep that night and had a dream like no other.

I dreamed I was loved.

Loved by someone, I just couldnt see their face.

All I remember is they danced with me and kept telling me, You are beautiful. You are capable. You are wise.

My dream was strange but it made me feel like I had a chance.

Valentines Day was approaching and this girl who was wise told me, You are never lonely if you love yourself.

Again, I was struck with pure questioning.

What does it mean to love oneself?

So she sat me down and told me, Loving yourself is all about acceptance. Accepting the flaws, accepting that you are human and special in every way.

I never felt love until I came home that night and looked at a picture of myself when I was 10.

Oh, how I loved my dolls.

My innocence.

My long black hair and holding peoples hands.

If I could love that child I once was, I can love the adult version.

A version that mightve lost that innocence.

But never lost that love.

Just needed a good friend and a picture to remind me that February 14 is just another day.

My tarot cards are right.

I will find love. Everyone does.

Just needed to find the love in me first so one day I can stop being the girl who chases everyone away.

Brightness of light

Standard

The sun always shines brighter when I water the flowers on my head.

It shines brighter when I smile in the mirror and choose to see a better day.

In life I have two choices, to look at situations in a negative light or a positive one.

It’s easier said than done but it’s possible.

It’s possible to choose the brightness over the colorless.

The colorless is beautiful because I am alone in it. I can hear the chaos of everyday life but it’s muffled by my sorrow.

When I embrace the brightness of positivity, I can hear nothing more than the things that make me smile.

In life, I can choose to cry or pick myself up.

Sometimes I just have to water the flowers on the top of my head till the roots become pure and my thoughts embrace the brightness of the light.

Another Semester

Standard

This week I started classes once more. Let me tell you, I was anxious, and insecure as soon as the week started. I get like that every first week of the semester. I do this thing where I doubt myself. I was convinced I wasn’t going to be able to handle the work.

How did I come out of that mindset? Well after a day or two of being in=mmersed in this insecurity, I realized enough is enough. What has self doubt ever done for me? It has made me fail exams, forget important material and become shy among my peers.

The reality is, I don’t want to face the consequences of doubting myself. I came home one day this week and closed my eyes and imagined winning that race. The finish line is seeing a passing grade next to the name of my classes. The finish line is walking across a stage and receiving my diploma.

I always say live in the present but sometimes gazing into the future can do wonders. I may not be the smartest, the prettiest, the most outgoing but hey, I have a passion for getting things done. I have the drive to succeed.

My semester may be difficult with all the exams, essays, readings etc. but one thing I will not do is doubt my abilities. This is a realization I make every semester. Every semester I remind myself that I am capable, I am ready and I am one day going to finish off strong.

Me

Standard

Lately, life has been exciting for me. Had a long break from school. Celebrated the holidays with family. I explored, met friends and embraced my hobbies.

I have done a lot of thinking during this time of exploration and in a way freedom from routine. What will make me happy?

Happy is such a simple word but complex in definition. To be happy is many things to many people. For me, being happy is loving myself and life even with the flaws and the ups and downs. Happiness to me is my family and friends loving me back.

I noticed happiness comes and goes for me. When I am up, I am on top of the world, elated, loving myself and everything. When I am down, I forget happiness even exists.

Balance, it is everything when it comes to maintaining myself happy.

Anyways I guess what I’m trying to say is, life is about balance. It is about keeping your head up high and never forgetting what puts a smile on your face.

For way too long my happiness was based on othappy, approval and acceptance. The only person who needs to accept me is me.

For years, I struggled with being the perfect daughter. The perfect friend, the perfect human being.

That is not what happiness should be, at least for me. Happiness is me doing whatever I want to my hair. Happiness is a flannel shirt and some plain jeans and my trusty hat and black sneakers. Happiness is me singing to songs that relate to me.

Happiness is more than a smile. Happiness is whatever it means to me. That word happiness is personal. It is whatever resonates with you.

No approval or perfection will ever make my heart beat like me being me does.