Peace

 I close my eyes and travel to the deepest of calming places.

My favorite place in my mind is where the sky is pitch black but the stars and moon illuminate everything.

I am on a boat floating above blue water.

My fear of drowning disappears because the water feels like cotton.

When the world is loud and chaotic, I close my eyes and see this world.

A world of dreams and fluffy clouds.

The breeze is cool but comforting.

As I lay on my bed I see the sky and realize all I need in this world of sin, is my imagination and my need for peace.

A little drawing

00:00

I am not running out of time. If anything I have an abundance of time.

I used to feel like I was on a time limit. The clock in me ticked aggressively.

I had writer’s block for the longest. My goal to write a book started biting my foot. It dragged me into the darkest of corners because I thought I was running out of time.

If I don’t publish a book soon, I would never amount to anything I thought. I learned that this clock in me only worsened my writer’s block.

I have so many dreams. This irrational fear that I would never reach them stems from my own self-doubt.

I doubted that I would make it as a writer. I doubted that I would live long enough to see my dreams come true.

That clock has to slow down. Life is counted but I will reach everything If I really want to.

Tic Toc… stop clock.

My dreams will come true, be it 22 or 52.

All that matters is that I do it. That I don’t give up on my goal.

The success of others can not be a measurement for my own.

Clocks tic for so many reasons but sometimes we have to reset it and place it back on 00:00.

Free Brain= Smile on my face

My knowledge on life is based off everything I’ve lived. I’ve lived beautiful things but also encountered painful situations.

The thing about life is, you can either sit on your bed and drown in the negative, or count on the blessings in disguise.

I have come to the terms that my mind can be irrational, negative and catastrophic at times. That has done nothing but hold me back.

Try taking a test you studied for while thinking, “I am going to fail.” The mind goes blank. The mind freezes. That’s kind of what happens in life overall when you think negative.

The world freezes and all you see are gray clouds and rain. The sun disappears and so does the smile that was once on my face.

Self doubt is poison. Why judge everything we do or say? I decided I have to own my awkwardness, my irrational thinking and the embarrassing things I say or do everyday.

I got tired of creating my own hail storm everyday.

Clear mind equals free brain. Free brain equals peace. Peace equals maintaining that smile on my face.


Lost

You ever feel lost?

I felt lost this whole semester.

Felt like my head was on backward.

Missing classes because of my anxiety.

An anxiety that I let get out of hand.

I failed exams and quizzes because of my anxiety.

My mind just blanks.

My heart beats so fast every day that I wonder how it still hasn’t exploded.

When I speak in class it’s if like word vomit comes out and I don’t make sense.

Or maybe it was just me over analyzing.

Wouldn’t be surprised.

I am an over analyzer.

This semester I felt lost.

Feel like I am going to fail.

Feel like my head wasn’t on right.

For a perfectionist, that is the end of the world.

But I don’t want to feel lost anymore.

It’s time I change my routine.

It is time I change my mindset.

If I didn’t do well this semester, God knows I’ll do well the next.

If my head is on backward, I will face it forward again.

If my heart beats fast, I will teach it to beat normal.

I am done feeling lost.

Lost simply is just not an option anymore.

Itsy Bitsy Flower

nature red flowers yellow

Photo by Suneo1999 on Pexels.com

When I was a little girl, my world consisted of purple and flowers. Purple was my favorite color, still is. Flowers were engraved in my brain as little human beings. My mother loves flowers. Our apartment has several plants in it. Daisy’s, roses, and strange plants I’ve never seen appear in my apartment every day.

I saw them as people because my mother would sing to them and talk to them. She said plants need love, light, and water to grow. I ended up singing to them as well when my mother wasn’t looking. I viewed them as little versions of me. I knew that I needed lots of love to grow as well. It was evident to me that my mother engraved this philosophy that in life you thrive from love. As you get older, you forget how powerful this abstract word is. I know sometimes I definitely forget the power of love.

I forget that I need love to keep growing into the flower I am. I can say some pretty rude things to myself. I look in the mirror and talk to myself but not the way my mother did with the plants. I honestly tear myself down. I over think. I water myself with music and words that only bury me deeper in dislike and hate.

Till this day my mother waters and sings to her flowers. The other day she said to one of the plants, “You are so pretty. I am proud of you. Look how beautiful those petals look.” Minutes before that I happened to have been beating myself up with words because of my own disappointments and bitterness.

She made me think, when did I stop being that girl who sang to the flowers. The same girl who sang beautiful words to herself. It’s a shame that as I got older, I forgot a flower like me needs love. Self-love to be exact.

My mother reminds me every day that the words we put into living things have the power to help it deteriorate or grow.

“Treat yourself like a flower.”

I might be a hurt itsy bitsy flower, but with some self-love, my petals will always regrow…