Chasing Love Away

Standard

Photo from Pexels

Valentine’s Day. It is on February 14. The day of flowers, chocolates, teddy bears and love.

I chase people away.

I never open up because life is too short to get hurt and people hurt me all the time anyway.

Although I was cold and bitter in many ways, I still craved to be held and called “my love.”

I remember reading my tarot cards, yes I’m into that stuff.

My cards kept telling me that I was going to find love but I just couldn’t tell when.

They assured me, I was going to one day find love.

I remember walking with my friend, a quiet girl but very intelligent and she told me, “Love is within you.”

I said, “How can it be within me if I don’t even love myself.”

Her face turned sour and she said, “Don’t say that, you hear me. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t give love to anyone else.”

At the time I brushed it off but she was wise.

Wiser than any other 22 years old.

That night I tried hard to realize why I just couldn’t love myself.

I have 100 reasons why not to love myself.

Too short.

Too nerdy.

Too ugly.

Too this and that.

I fell asleep that night and had a dream like no other.

I dreamed I was loved.

Loved by someone, I just couldn’t see their face.

All I remember is they danced with me and kept telling me, “You are beautiful. You are capable. You are wise.”

My dream was strange but it made me feel like I had a chance.

Valentine’s Day was approaching and this girl who was wise told me, “You are never lonely if you love yourself.”

Again, I was struck with pure questioning.

What does it mean to love oneself?

So she sat me down and told me, “Loving yourself is all about acceptance. Accepting the flaws, accepting that you are human and special in every way.”

I never felt love until I came home that night and looked at a picture of myself when I was 10.

Oh, how I loved my dolls.

My innocence.

My long black hair and holding people’s hands.

If I could love that child I once was, I can love the adult version.

A version that might’ve lost that innocence.

But never lost that love.

Just needed a good friend and a picture to remind me that February 14 is just another day.

My tarot cards are right.

I will find love. Everyone does.

Just needed to find the love in me first so one day I can stop being the girl who chases everyone away.

Advice from a butterfly

Standard

Don’t settle she said.

Be who you want to be.

Fly like a butterfly and show those bright wings.

Don’t hide in the darkness she said.

Ask the world for advice but teach yourself all about life.

Fly near the sun.

Let the heat bring you to life.

Defrost the coldness trapped in the heart.

Fly near danger but learn to adapt.

To survive.

To be free from birth to the end.

In life, don’t settle.

Dream.

Fly.

Open your wings and keep them open until the day you die…

Peace

Standard

 I close my eyes and travel to the deepest of calming places.

My favorite place in my mind is where the sky is pitch black but the stars and moon illuminate everything.

I am on a boat floating above blue water.

My fear of drowning disappears because the water feels like cotton.

When the world is loud and chaotic, I close my eyes and see this world.

A world of dreams and fluffy clouds.

The breeze is cool but comforting.

As I lay on my bed I see the sky and realize all I need in this world of sin, is my imagination and my need for peace.

A little drawing

00:00

Standard

I am not running out of time. If anything I have an abundance of time.

I used to feel like I was on a time limit. The clock in me ticked aggressively.

I had writer’s block for the longest. My goal to write a book started biting my foot. It dragged me into the darkest of corners because I thought I was running out of time.

If I don’t publish a book soon, I would never amount to anything I thought. I learned that this clock in me only worsened my writer’s block.

I have so many dreams. This irrational fear that I would never reach them stems from my own self-doubt.

I doubted that I would make it as a writer. I doubted that I would live long enough to see my dreams come true.

That clock has to slow down. Life is counted but I will reach everything If I really want to.

Tic Toc… stop clock.

My dreams will come true, be it 22 or 52.

All that matters is that I do it. That I don’t give up on my goal.

The success of others can not be a measurement for my own.

Clocks tic for so many reasons but sometimes we have to reset it and place it back on 00:00.

Free Brain= Smile on my face

Standard

My knowledge on life is based off everything I’ve lived. I’ve lived beautiful things but also encountered painful situations.

The thing about life is, you can either sit on your bed and drown in the negative, or count on the blessings in disguise.

I have come to the terms that my mind can be irrational, negative and catastrophic at times. That has done nothing but hold me back.

Try taking a test you studied for while thinking, “I am going to fail.” The mind goes blank. The mind freezes. That’s kind of what happens in life overall when you think negative.

The world freezes and all you see are gray clouds and rain. The sun disappears and so does the smile that was once on my face.

Self doubt is poison. Why judge everything we do or say? I decided I have to own my awkwardness, my irrational thinking and the embarrassing things I say or do everyday.

I got tired of creating my own hail storm everyday.

Clear mind equals free brain. Free brain equals peace. Peace equals maintaining that smile on my face.