Another Semester

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This week I started classes once more. Let me tell you, I was anxious, and insecure as soon as the week started. I get like that every first week of the semester. I do this thing where I doubt myself. I was convinced I wasn’t going to be able to handle the work.

How did I come out of that mindset? Well after a day or two of being in=mmersed in this insecurity, I realized enough is enough. What has self doubt ever done for me? It has made me fail exams, forget important material and become shy among my peers.

The reality is, I don’t want to face the consequences of doubting myself. I came home one day this week and closed my eyes and imagined winning that race. The finish line is seeing a passing grade next to the name of my classes. The finish line is walking across a stage and receiving my diploma.

I always say live in the present but sometimes gazing into the future can do wonders. I may not be the smartest, the prettiest, the most outgoing but hey, I have a passion for getting things done. I have the drive to succeed.

My semester may be difficult with all the exams, essays, readings etc. but one thing I will not do is doubt my abilities. This is a realization I make every semester. Every semester I remind myself that I am capable, I am ready and I am one day going to finish off strong.

Me

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Lately, life has been exciting for me. Had a long break from school. Celebrated the holidays with family. I explored, met friends and embraced my hobbies.

I have done a lot of thinking during this time of exploration and in a way freedom from routine. What will make me happy?

Happy is such a simple word but complex in definition. To be happy is many things to many people. For me, being happy is loving myself and life even with the flaws and the ups and downs. Happiness to me is my family and friends loving me back.

I noticed happiness comes and goes for me. When I am up, I am on top of the world, elated, loving myself and everything. When I am down, I forget happiness even exists.

Balance, it is everything when it comes to maintaining myself happy.

Anyways I guess what I’m trying to say is, life is about balance. It is about keeping your head up high and never forgetting what puts a smile on your face.

For way too long my happiness was based on othappy, approval and acceptance. The only person who needs to accept me is me.

For years, I struggled with being the perfect daughter. The perfect friend, the perfect human being.

That is not what happiness should be, at least for me. Happiness is me doing whatever I want to my hair. Happiness is a flannel shirt and some plain jeans and my trusty hat and black sneakers. Happiness is me singing to songs that relate to me.

Happiness is more than a smile. Happiness is whatever it means to me. That word happiness is personal. It is whatever resonates with you.

No approval or perfection will ever make my heart beat like me being me does.

Itsy Bitsy Flower

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nature red flowers yellow

Photo by Suneo1999 on Pexels.com

When I was a little girl, my world consisted of purple and flowers. Purple was my favorite color, still is. Flowers were engraved in my brain as little human beings. My mother loves flowers. Our apartment has several plants in it. Daisy’s, roses, and strange plants I’ve never seen appear in my apartment every day.

I saw them as people because my mother would sing to them and talk to them. She said plants need love, light, and water to grow. I ended up singing to them as well when my mother wasn’t looking. I viewed them as little versions of me. I knew that I needed lots of love to grow as well. It was evident to me that my mother engraved this philosophy that in life you thrive from love. As you get older, you forget how powerful this abstract word is. I know sometimes I definitely forget the power of love.

I forget that I need love to keep growing into the flower I am. I can say some pretty rude things to myself. I look in the mirror and talk to myself but not the way my mother did with the plants. I honestly tear myself down. I over think. I water myself with music and words that only bury me deeper in dislike and hate.

Till this day my mother waters and sings to her flowers. The other day she said to one of the plants, “You are so pretty. I am proud of you. Look how beautiful those petals look.” Minutes before that I happened to have been beating myself up with words because of my own disappointments and bitterness.

She made me think, when did I stop being that girl who sang to the flowers. The same girl who sang beautiful words to herself. It’s a shame that as I got older, I forgot a flower like me needs love. Self-love to be exact.

My mother reminds me every day that the words we put into living things have the power to help it deteriorate or grow.

“Treat yourself like a flower.”

I might be a hurt itsy bitsy flower, but with some self-love, my petals will always regrow…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take a Deep Breath

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silhouette of man during nighttime

Photo by brenoanp on Pexels.com

Ever feel like life has become too much? Ever feel if like the world is squishing you, turning you into a tiny particle of dust?

I know I’ve reached days where I had a weight on my shoulder. Every single obstacle in my way accumulated on my shoulder. As I felt the tears fall down my face during those times, I thought when would the stress end.

Months later I realized, emotional pain sucks but it won’t last forever. Life can only get better. Only things that can get worse are obstacles but if you fight hard, they will die. You will live. Live to see that things do get better.

When I was a little girl, the world wasn’t as bright as it is now. See, I had obstacles from

a young age. As I aged, they only kept getting more intense until one day I vowed to only make life get better.

I made it out of the past and now all I have is the present. Now all I have is this moment. I choose to smile even when life gets rough because a smile heals the soul sometimes. When you grin or laugh, it’s like seeing beautiful butterflies in front of your face. For a second I forget what it feels like to frown as I hold that smile.

The present is all that matters because any day life can end. Why live in the past? Why obsess over the future? Right now, and I mean this exact moment you are alive and able to embrace the people around you.

Enjoy life while you can. Smile, laugh, and remember that the present is all that matters. Take a deep breath right now, close your eyes and thank destiny for making you the unique individual you are today.

Christmas tree fun

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My Christmas tree! Took hours to put up and decorate but it was worth it!

I just want to say, have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow for those who celebrate it. May the holidays be filled with love and joy for you all!

November and December are my favorite time of the year!

Enjoy it guys 🦋🦋