Another Semester

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This week I started classes once more. Let me tell you, I was anxious, and insecure as soon as the week started. I get like that every first week of the semester. I do this thing where I doubt myself. I was convinced I wasn’t going to be able to handle the work.

How did I come out of that mindset? Well after a day or two of being in=mmersed in this insecurity, I realized enough is enough. What has self doubt ever done for me? It has made me fail exams, forget important material and become shy among my peers.

The reality is, I don’t want to face the consequences of doubting myself. I came home one day this week and closed my eyes and imagined winning that race. The finish line is seeing a passing grade next to the name of my classes. The finish line is walking across a stage and receiving my diploma.

I always say live in the present but sometimes gazing into the future can do wonders. I may not be the smartest, the prettiest, the most outgoing but hey, I have a passion for getting things done. I have the drive to succeed.

My semester may be difficult with all the exams, essays, readings etc. but one thing I will not do is doubt my abilities. This is a realization I make every semester. Every semester I remind myself that I am capable, I am ready and I am one day going to finish off strong.

Me

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Lately, life has been exciting for me. Had a long break from school. Celebrated the holidays with family. I explored, met friends and embraced my hobbies.

I have done a lot of thinking during this time of exploration and in a way freedom from routine. What will make me happy?

Happy is such a simple word but complex in definition. To be happy is many things to many people. For me, being happy is loving myself and life even with the flaws and the ups and downs. Happiness to me is my family and friends loving me back.

I noticed happiness comes and goes for me. When I am up, I am on top of the world, elated, loving myself and everything. When I am down, I forget happiness even exists.

Balance, it is everything when it comes to maintaining myself happy.

Anyways I guess what I’m trying to say is, life is about balance. It is about keeping your head up high and never forgetting what puts a smile on your face.

For way too long my happiness was based on othappy, approval and acceptance. The only person who needs to accept me is me.

For years, I struggled with being the perfect daughter. The perfect friend, the perfect human being.

That is not what happiness should be, at least for me. Happiness is me doing whatever I want to my hair. Happiness is a flannel shirt and some plain jeans and my trusty hat and black sneakers. Happiness is me singing to songs that relate to me.

Happiness is more than a smile. Happiness is whatever it means to me. That word happiness is personal. It is whatever resonates with you.

No approval or perfection will ever make my heart beat like me being me does.

Advice from a butterfly

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Don’t settle she said.

Be who you want to be.

Fly like a butterfly and show those bright wings.

Don’t hide in the darkness she said.

Ask the world for advice but teach yourself all about life.

Fly near the sun.

Let the heat bring you to life.

Defrost the coldness trapped in the heart.

Fly near danger but learn to adapt.

To survive.

To be free from birth to the end.

In life, don’t settle.

Dream.

Fly.

Open your wings and keep them open until the day you die…

Scared of the world

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I don’t say a lot of what I feel.

Probably out of fear that no one would understand.

I dream big.

I have hope.

But something is always missing.

I wish for peace within me and this world.

To be accepted as who I am.

But only God knows I am the only person who needs to accept myself.

I carry my heart on my shoulder.

It’s visible to the world.

I don’t say a lot of what I feel.

In a way, I am just scared of the world…