Chasing Love Away

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Valentine’s Day. It is on February 14. The day of flowers, chocolates, teddy bears and love.

I chase people away.

I never open up because life is too short to get hurt and people hurt me all the time anyway.

Although I was cold and bitter in many ways, I still craved to be held and called “my love.”

I remember reading my tarot cards, yes I’m into that stuff.

My cards kept telling me that I was going to find love but I just couldn’t tell when.

They assured me, I was going to one day find love.

I remember walking with my friend, a quiet girl but very intelligent and she told me, “Love is within you.”

I said, “How can it be within me if I don’t even love myself.”

Her face turned sour and she said, “Don’t say that, you hear me. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t give love to anyone else.”

At the time I brushed it off but she was wise.

Wiser than any other 22 years old.

That night I tried hard to realize why I just couldn’t love myself.

I have 100 reasons why not to love myself.

Too short.

Too nerdy.

Too ugly.

Too this and that.

I fell asleep that night and had a dream like no other.

I dreamed I was loved.

Loved by someone, I just couldn’t see their face.

All I remember is they danced with me and kept telling me, “You are beautiful. You are capable. You are wise.”

My dream was strange but it made me feel like I had a chance.

Valentine’s Day was approaching and this girl who was wise told me, “You are never lonely if you love yourself.”

Again, I was struck with pure questioning.

What does it mean to love oneself?

So she sat me down and told me, “Loving yourself is all about acceptance. Accepting the flaws, accepting that you are human and special in every way.”

I never felt love until I came home that night and looked at a picture of myself when I was 10.

Oh, how I loved my dolls.

My innocence.

My long black hair and holding people’s hands.

If I could love that child I once was, I can love the adult version.

A version that might’ve lost that innocence.

But never lost that love.

Just needed a good friend and a picture to remind me that February 14 is just another day.

My tarot cards are right.

I will find love. Everyone does.

Just needed to find the love in me first so one day I can stop being the girl who chases everyone away.