No Such Thing as Perfect

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Hello my butterflies

I am going to let you guys in on a little secret. Sometimes the happiest looking people are deep down not as happy as they seem.

I say this because I am a prime example of this. I am always smiling and joking. I am the first person to ask how somebody else is doing but not ask myself why I feel down. I am the person who will push my emotions aside to be there for the people I love.

I may seem like I have my world in order. I may seem like I know what I am doing but I am just as lost in this world as any other.

I have my days where life takes a toll on me and I am stuck trying not to drown. Let me tell you something, the 20’s aren’t how I thought they would be. No, it’s not about partying and relationships. In my 20’s I feel this pressure to be on the right path so in my 30’s I have the goals I am trying to reach.

There’s lots of stress associated with educational responsibilities, family responsibilities, and overall just living life.

The whole point to writing this is to say, no I am not perfect. No one is. I may always be smiling and joking around but somedays I am walking a tightrope as well. Balancing in life is hard. Reaching the other end of that rope is hard.

Although life is hard. I made a vow to myself that I will get through my 20’s with my imperfections. I will make it.

Ups, downs, mistakes, you name it. I will own them and I will graduate college and be who I aspire to be.

Remember you can be imperfect and reach a life so perfect you’ll believe imperfect is the new perfect.

The heart holder

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Her heart, I held it for a second because it slipped out of her the moment he left.

I told her she’ll be ok and that she didn’t need a man like that.

Worse of all was that she is older than me and would never want me seeing her cry over a man.

But although I was young, I already understood love is flawed.

She assured me she was strong. Wiped the tears off her face and said, “I can do better.”

I knew she could but I also knew they’ll get back together any day.

Despite her being smart she had a debilitating love for this man.

A man who didn’t treat her right, who didn’t love her the way a diamond should be loved.

He treated her more like a second option he can run to when he felt lonely.

She was more like a property he owned and invested in.

I told her, “Get back with him and I honestly might not be your friend anymore.”

Maybe if I scared her it will work.

A week later they were back together.

Yet again, there I was, holding her heart again until he decided to come back and play with it once more…

Friday Fun

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Good morning everyone.

I haven’t written on my blog for the past two days. I’ve just been extremely tired. I would come home and immediately fall asleep. At one point I asked myself, “is this life? No energy, no fun, just work.” I was fed up because my body was so drained.

I went to the doctors and got some blood work done to make sure my health is good. I get those back in a week.

This Halloween I didn’t get to do anything because I spent it at the doctor’s appointment and I had class the next day. The most I did was eat candy that my sister brought home and my dad as well.

The real fun for me was the day after Halloween. Two of my friends and I went to a restaurant called Joya.

It was amazing. Catching up with my girls and not stressing over school was a good feeling. We usually hang out on my college campus where we feel stressed and rushed. Last night we just decided to get dressed up and enjoy a nice meal.

This was my meal. I loved it. I got too full quickly so I had to take the rest home. They make their white rice and shrimp perfectly. The garlic sauce was amazing as well. It is located in Brooklyn New York.

The best part about last night is realizing how I have such great friends. Seeing them last night reminded me not to stress. I will graduate and I will get that diploma. No matter how many sleepless nights or days of my body being exhausted, I have to get through this semester.

I just have to make sure I do fun things with my friends in between .

Enjoy your day butterflies!

Remember, when stressed, come out of that routine for at least a day. Reality is and will always be more than just stress.

Love poem, Do you know?

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The shadow realm is where lies my insecurities and past hardships. You have placed them there the moment you came into my life.

Even while falling for you I debated whether I was worthy of catching.

You showed me I am and worthy of so much more.

The moment we interlocked souls I knew my eyes wouldn’t want to look at anyone but you.

Simply I just feel love for you, or I like you a lot. I don’t know what love feels like honestly.

Thought I was in love so many times.

Being with you is like spinning on a computer chair really fast. The world is twisting and turning but my eyes focus only on one thing.

So many people have entered my life and disappointed me.

It made me hesitant to even admit I felt something for you.

I don’t know what I feel, someone tell me, is this what love feels like?

Honestly, I don’t know.

Control

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I’ve been on a rollercoaster for so long that I’ve infused into the seat and can’t seem to get off.

Like a puppet, my emotions move me, walk me, make me do actions against my will.

Like a fire, I burn each day in hopes of finding an escape.

Escapes are usually not the easiest.

The world seems like a fast-paced conundrum when you are hyperventilating.

Seems like I do that every day.

Breaths that never slow down. A heart that never rests well enough.

I am always on the edge.

Control.

I learned of this magical word.

Control.

The anxiety, the rollercoaster, they are not my life but just facets of it that I must control.

I must turn the rollercoaster certain ways, turn it off on my own.

The breathing, my heart, the anxiety.

I am In control of my body. Just need to remind myself, mind over body.

I am in control.

Life is not in control of me.

Anxiety doesn’t own me and lastly being on the edge of my seat for the rest of my life is just something I refuse to put my heart through.

I am a work in progress…

Control.

Control.

Control.

Overthrow

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She hoped to never see you again. To never breath the same air as you again. To never ever have you invade her space again.

She has lived with the memories you implanted in her soul for too long.

“Can I erase my memory.” She says as she sees your face on social media.

She likes that you don’t have the balls to even send her a friend request.

Maybe it’s because you know to what extent you have ruined her. To what extent you have marked her world.

Maybe you feel guilty, or shame. That’s what she hopes you feel at least.

It gives her comfort knowing she hasn’t seen you again.

Maybe you know this time will be different if she sees your face.

She might scream and tell the world who you really are.

Maybe you sense that she is no longer going to fall victim to your games.

She may never ever speak to you again. But she hopes you realize you are nothing but a fly she has squished over and over again.

She has burned your memories and replaced them with strength.

She has tied up any fear and shame and thrown them into a pit of fire.

She no longer is a victim but she is a survivor at best.

She is free.

No more knots in her throat.

She has grown so much that if she were to ever see you again, she won’t feel weak.

All she’ll feel is power.

Power to overthrow you. To show the world who you really are.

She is and will always be what you created, your biggest nightmare in the body of someone you once hurt.